Thoughts.
It’s about 9 or 10 days since being home from Japan and Vietnam, but excluding all the return travel time it’s been almost to week since I left Saigon. Even saying that in writing sounds romantic and dramatic: “it’s been almost two weeks since I left Saigon.” I’m not sure why south-east asia and the south pacific as well, captures my imagination the way it does, but it always has, going back to that song, “faraway places (with strange sounding names).” I think that’s the reason I enjoyed Vietnam even more than I enjoyed Japan, because it is not as developed and is less refined; I enjoyed the ambiance of the country, a combination of its culture, daily life, social behaviors and practices, appearance, history and personal identity, and climate, I’m sort of wishing I was there right now, instead of sitting in Amherst on this dreary and wet day. looking out at lush green woods.
In de-briefing a little, mostly by by talking about my trip with different people, I have a better sense of how the trip affected me, and what I learned, as well thinking about the different parts of the trip and the experiences gained in each part. Overall, starting with my trip to Mexico just a couple of weeks before leaving for Japan, it’s increased my sense of relative comfort traveling in very different cultures and reduced my sense of intimidation when traveling under those circumstances. Whereas I would not have visited Japan or Vietnam alone, or even Mexico, and had to push myself, I no longer feel that way. I would like to have a traveling companion the next time I travel, but I’m fine solo. Both options sound good. Maybe some of each. For instance, if Russ is able to head to Vietnam and that neck of the woods with me sometime early next year, I would probably go a little earlier or stay longer, and have the best of both those worlds: traveling with friends and traveling solo.
Right now, I’m thinking about travel options for this year. Some of that depends of whether Russ does decide to hit Southeast Asia with me next year, If not, then I think I’ll plan to go back on my own, but planning that around weather — rainy season to be avoided. I don’t think that would be this year, but not sure. England with Tom in early-to-mid August, and I will stay a little longer, probably being gone for maybe three weeks or so. Maybe I’ll stay over and visit mainland Europe. Have to think about that a little more as I hadn’t considered that for a moment until right now.
All that though reminds me that most of my travels, whatever and whenever, and wherever, they may be, will be solo, punctuated with small periods where I might be traveling with someone. But mostly, it’s me and me.
On that change, from “Bev and me” to “me and me,” I haven’t really been around too much for the past couple of months, so haven’t just sat and reflected for a while, although I have for the past couple of days. I have a bit of a better sense of the next year or so, which involves traveling and that offers an outline for my life, even though still vague and not fully defined. Not much else in it, except traveling and the periods in between.
I also thought about what being without Bev is like now, after 2 years and 3 months. But, even that was telling, that I had to think about it, as Bev’s loss is no longer the first thing on my mind, all or most of the time. I think about Bev every day, sometimes in the foreground but now more often in the background. Many times, I’m easily reminded of Bev by something I see or hear or smell or remember, and shake my head every time I realize that Bev just isn’t here. The unbelievable happened, but still feels unbelievable. Still. as strange and sad, and unbelievable, as it still feels, I’m much number now to the pain of loss and the constant feelings of loss that marked my daily life for a long while.The “presence of Bev’s absence” has become a more normal feature of my life, so that the presence of Bev’s absence is the new normal.
After the rain cleared this morning, I did a little work on Elana’s fence, and then came home and took a long-ish walk, wearing my favorite clothing: tank-top, shorts, and sandals, although it did start to get a little cooler in the shade as the sun was going down in the late afternoon.
I’m reminded of how serene it is here, and that was one of the reasons Bev loved being here. The weather was lovely, with all the background sounds making up up this portrait of a spring day – an airplane, far in the distance, birds in full song everywhere, a distant dog’s bark, bees buzzing. Not silence, far from it, but a blending of lazy spring day sounds against a blue sky and spring light covering the trees and fields, contrasting sharply with swatches of shadow, and wild flowers all over the place. Very nice. I’m lucky I live here. It’s not lucky that there’s no Bev to share it with. Like I said, the unbelievable happened, and Bev left, but it still feels unbelievable. Certainly, unthinkable.
